Parties, exams, chaos, music, games, alcohol, friends, and food, oh yeah, a lot are going on here in Grundy. Happily, I start getting used to this life, even more, falling love with it. Tired, tired, tired is always the word after party or exam. With all the A I got in class so far and being socialized enough to know all those cool people, I am satisfied, though, I still can’t avoid some sort of loneliness deep in my heart. But, what is it? Am I not in love or not being loved enough? Apparently, I am not even dared to ask for more while having such a good boyfriend plus all those new and old cool friends. Moreover, just last week, my Mom called me and said “Happy birthday!” from China, while my Dad called me to check on my on the Moon festival day from California. I mean, they are always the ones that I can take for granted who think about me with lots and lots of love all the time. But why, I still can’t get rid of this unpleasant feeling. Yet, don’t get me wrong. I don’t think I have depression or anything like that. It is more like the feeling of hollowness. And indeed, I am terrified by this feeling. As religiously speaking, I believe this might lead me to the evilness (Honestly, I don’t like using the word, EVIL, as I take it as a very strong word. So I rather say that, it might cause me to be beguiled?!)

I do read and study a lot of scientific “hardcore” materials to gain the professional knowledge I need for my future practice. Even though, I can’t say I know a lot, I do know something of my subject. So at this level, I am not a hollow person. But I crave for something spirituals. I am reading bible, yet, this feeling of me on my way to sin is still haunting me. I feel scared of living with this “unbearable lightness of being.” This gets so strong right at this moment of my life when I think I am actually happy to be surrounded by all the brightness.

I can’t continue to dig into this anymore. Setting a practical goal of my life is just making me feel even more hopeless. Who am I and what do I want? I really hope there is somebody besides me to walk me through these questions. Will that be God, or just myself?

I think I need to start reading again.

“Already, at five, she can feign grave enthusiasm for the task at hand, when all she truly wants is for everyone to admire her work and then set her free. Quentin kneels with the bird and gently, immeasurably gently, lays it on the grass. Oh, if men were the brutes and women the angels—if it were as simple as that. Virginia thinks of Leonard frowning over the proofs, intent on scouring away not only the setting errors but whatever taint of mediocrity errors imply. She thinks of Julian last summer, rowing across the Ouse, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and how it had seemed to be the day, the moment, he became a man and not a child.”