Ally's adventure in Magicland

May be Paul or whoever used to tell me that universal rule was too damn right. You just can't hang out with girls that not at the same level. Oh well, i am trying not to be a flake. But I got flaked out on by people BIG TIME! Even my "baby" roomate! So MAD!

     Can't deny i had a good time that night in LBH. I dressed up as a flapper~ ~like the people in "pretty young things." They used to be the rebels in their generation. Don't I love those fabulous people and their music---Jazz so very very much for an awfully long time now. So this is the best Holloween dress-up I can ever have! (Thanks a lot to my meimei Thao of picking out this custome for me. I was totally blinded by all those fancy choices in the store and couldn't ever see it by myself.) And eventhough, I though i was too fat to look good in that dress, (I was totally depressed about how fat i got in 2 months after i moved down here that whole afternoon), again, Thao and Vivian's make-up made me look a lot better than what I thought. And during the party, while i still couldn't let go of something, Hong, this sweetest girl who can always read my mind in no time, did me this little trick to cheer me up again. Oh gosh, isn't it always good to have friends, especially the good friends around you! I didn't want to talk about how crazy people went that night. I mean it was Halloween, it was a club, there were "all-you-can-drink" beers! So, do not tell people to Calm Down, just laugh and have fun, take everything easy, and...have fun. Dance with as many people as you can, just don't go home with any since that is wrong! Just get crazy and crazy in the party, so when after party, when you go home, you can get sick!

Yes, i was so sick that night after i went back home. That was unfair! I only had one beer and I wasn't even that drunk! I had a "stomach flu." For god's sake, I didn't even eat anyting that night! So that's some myth why i got a "stomach flu." I threw up three times that night, only water! I thought i might need to go to the emergency room since I felt my stomach twisted. Then in the morning when the vomitting's getting better, I started having diarrhea! I swore that i never felt so clean and empty of my inner body ever before. I really hated getting sick. But Hong's chicken broth with rice did save my life. I was so weak and painful of my whole body that day, so I don't think i can get any decent food for my stomach by myself at that time.

Anyways, while i was writing this, I did something terrible. I mis-booked somebody's plane ticket!!!! God, what's wrong with me....

    I saw a black cat yesterday and I saw a dead black cat today. It was outside the Hardee's in the parking lot when we walked out. We were talking something when I turned around, it was just right there around 2 meters away staring at us. I swore that I was facing that direction 1 minute ago, and I didn't see it. I couldn't say it looked threatened, but it did look very unfriendly and annoyed in some way. Luckily, it didn't run across the street but just to the back of other cars when we started walking towards it.

    Today, when I was driving to the campus, there was again, a black cat lying in the middle of the highway. But this time, it was just a body. It was dead. And luckily, I saw it around 1 miles away, so I changed lane and avoided runing through it. Otherwise, i probably would hate myself so much that I couldn't even find peace for a long long time. I was also pretty concerned of the cars behinde me about if they would hit the body. However, that truck just past right above it without any of the tires touching it. That's lucky, I thought.

     Seeing black cats that frequently made me really really sad. It is very closed to Halloween already. I think i need to forget about it. Just let my body do the work.

      No doubt, the study is getting more and more intense when the semester carries on. Just had a one-block-exam on this pasting Monday. And while somebody thinks that he/she might be able to take a break and have some fun to celebrate passing the test and saving the $1,500 remediation fee (maybe for later?),  the whole class is again, already worn out by this new CNS & ANS block. However, I am actually getting so much fun out of this tension of learning. (Am I a nurd, maybe I am!) Once again, today's lecture lasts for the full class hours (8:30am to 3:30pm), and actually extends for 15 more minutes, no mention there is an extra review session still going on now. Not until now, I finally feel that this is a professional school. Seriously, the past 2 months is way too easy. All these people, including me, waste too much time on partying, and all kinds of other entertainings.  This is too unusual that people in a pharmacy school can have so much time on hand  that they start wondering how to kill it. These people are expected to help saving other people's lives after 3 years. This should not be a joke! But anyways, now I don't feel that hollow anymore. I feel that I am a student in a pharmacy school learning all the serious staff so that I can apply them one day to help people with their health.  I feel that everytime I learn something regarding durgs and how they work with human bodies, I am a little bit more completed. I am delighted by learning and achieving the understanding of the mechanism of durgs and our bodies. Just like Grey said in the Grey's Anatomy, "I felt...high...I don't understand why people do drugs..."

最近严重睡眠不足。可是靠着咖啡的支撑，听课的效率却出奇的高。中午回家吃LUNCH时意外的发现，在e-bay上买的裙子已经到了。裙子是为了月底的HOLLOWEEN PARTY买的，真的很可爱，很漂亮，让我爱不释手。穿上后前面看真完美，转过身，就完蛋了，拉链的开口之间至少有20厘米的距离啊。反正我就是白痴了，人家在网上都说了，是size 2－4，用脑袋想想都知道，我就是把全身所有脂肪都减去也不可能把拉链拉上的。我对Thao说，是因为我的SKELETON比较大，把她吓了一跳。一想不对，忙改口说，是我的frame比较大，一不小心，我还是经常会直接中译英的。呵呵。反正杂七杂八的事情就不说了。晚上和她们一起复习功课时，我都快疯掉了。一开始还好，大家问的问题都比较有水平，只是那一页页lecture，她们连一个词也不放过的认真态度让我有点受不了。后来就不行了，大家问的问题越来越白痴，学的是ANS, AUTONOMIC NERVOUS SYSTEM,却连什么是“HORMONE"都问出来了。然后,我就说不行了，我要回家了，太累了。结果METAL很不甘心的给我说了一句什么关于"NEURONAL NICOTINIC ",当时我就觉得很崩溃，只觉的她在说外星语言。而事实上，这两天的LECTURES说的都是那个鬼东西。

开车回家的时候就在想，如果人的一切感觉与行为都是被这些古灵精怪的neurotransmitters和receptors控制着而产生的某种特定的效应。那么也许真能有那么一种东西，能让DOPAMINE在你脑子里起一系列化学反应，那么你就会永远永远的对着某个人着迷，一辈子都沉浸在爱里，是不是很COOL呢？突然，又觉得其实那很悲哀，如果那个人不是你想爱的人呢？真的很复杂，因为爱不爱什么的，不就是一种大脑里的化学作用而已，那爱的人是谁又有什么区别的，感觉还是一样的吧。唉，会这样想还真可悲。突然想起在哪里看到说"Science is a kind of infromed worship."谁要明白这句话什么意思，就和我说说这到底和我胡思乱想的逻辑到底有没有关系吧。

Parties, exams, chaos, music, games, alcohol, friends, and food, oh yeah, a lot are going on here in Grundy. Happily, I start getting used to this life, even more, falling love with it. Tired, tired, tired is always the word after party or exam. With all the A I got in class so far and being socialized enough to know all those cool people, I am satisfied, though, I still can’t avoid some sort of loneliness deep in my heart. But, what is it? Am I not in love or not being loved enough? Apparently, I am not even dared to ask for more while having such a good boyfriend plus all those new and old cool friends. Moreover, just last week, my Mom called me and said “Happy birthday!” from China, while my Dad called me to check on my on the Moon festival day from California. I mean, they are always the ones that I can take for granted who think about me with lots and lots of love all the time. But why, I still can’t get rid of this unpleasant feeling. Yet, don’t get me wrong. I don’t think I have depression or anything like that. It is more like the feeling of hollowness. And indeed, I am terrified by this feeling. As religiously speaking, I believe this might lead me to the evilness (Honestly, I don’t like using the word, EVIL, as I take it as a very strong word. So I rather say that, it might cause me to be beguiled?!)

I do read and study a lot of scientific “hardcore” materials to gain the professional knowledge I need for my future practice. Even though, I can’t say I know a lot, I do know something of my subject. So at this level, I am not a hollow person. But I crave for something spirituals. I am reading bible, yet, this feeling of me on my way to sin is still haunting me. I feel scared of living with this “unbearable lightness of being.” This gets so strong right at this moment of my life when I think I am actually happy to be surrounded by all the brightness.

I can’t continue to dig into this anymore. Setting a practical goal of my life is just making me feel even more hopeless. Who am I and what do I want? I really hope there is somebody besides me to walk me through these questions. Will that be God, or just myself?

I think I need to start reading again.

“Already, at five, she can feign grave enthusiasm for the task at hand, when all she truly wants is for everyone to admire her work and then set her free. Quentin kneels with the bird and gently, immeasurably gently, lays it on the grass. Oh, if men were the brutes and women the angels—if it were as simple as that. Virginia thinks of Leonard frowning over the proofs, intent on scouring away not only the setting errors but whatever taint of mediocrity errors imply. She thinks of Julian last summer, rowing across the Ouse, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and how it had seemed to be the day, the moment, he became a man and not a child.”   

   From time to time, I will have some great well-planned agendum of the things I can start doing to improve the quality of life. However, most of the time, those thoughts won't stay too long. They fade more easily than to be put into action. I don't really need to be remineded, though sometimes, I can't help thinking about the great outcomes that would be only if I really acomplish whatever I have planned. After all, this habit of daydreaming does give me some good things to expect when I am down. So I guess, while still in a progress of being more positive, I will just keep this with me.

     I feel so isolated here in Grundy VA. My cell phone doesn't get service down here. I just got my home phone hooked up yesterday luckily. I won't get my DSL until Aug 28th. I haven't got a new laptop yet. So I can only use the computer in the library to surf the internet. I don't feel that I can make any friends in school. I am the only Chinese out of the 7 Asian in my Class. And the rest of them are all Vitneness. (Even in the P2 year, last year's students, there is no Chinese either....) I feel terribly lonely here. No KIDDING. Class just started today. My aunt left this morning after attending to my White Coat Ceremony yesterday. (I don't know what that is. It looks like a graduation ceremony, but only it is the starting of my suffering.) My BF is leaving me also on Sunday morning. I don't know how to survive here for 3 years. I wanted to drop out of the school already!!!!!!

    Sigh, I hope it is just a phrase. I think I should get over it eventually. Anyways, I believe it is God's will that I am here. So I will carry on no matter what.

    经过一番小波折，终于如期在7月24日晚上6点53分抵达LAX。想不到，加州竟然也如此热。很后悔没有买张凉席带回来，一个晚上我都没有睡好！一早5点多就醒了，还是有时差。好不容易熬到9点，各大OFFICES都开门办公了，就开始一个一个的播电话。Insurance, Student Loan, Immunization......今天先处理一小部分，觉得刚到埠，应该有权利小歇一下。即使事情不算多，依然有很强烈的抵抗情绪，可是还是得收拾心情好好得去完成。毕竟，有妈妈照顾得日子一去不复返了。妈妈，真想念她。幸亏今年见到她比去年有精神，身体虽然还是不好，却也没有去年病的严重。可是老这样别离，重逢，又别离的，我真的抗不住。没有哪次比哪次少伤心的，我想妈妈一定也是这样的。牵挂，真是个苦东西。走那天，我下定决心，下次回来，一定带着妈妈一起走，一定。

     不敢说自己老了,毕竟还没有跨越26这条界线.可是感觉自己真的没有朝气了,特别是在北京.今夜,在去北京最出名的JAZZ CLUB, CD-JAZZ CAFE,的路上,遇到3个休学一年周游列国的英国男孩.3个男孩很幸运的碰上我和我朋友,因为我们的英文和他们交流起来毫无问题.可是他们也很不幸运的碰上了我们,,或者只是我,毫无兴趣和他们热舞一宿. 不是说我MC加上感冒,整个人特累的当儿,让他们赶了个不巧.即使我处于极佳状态也实在提不起兴趣去DISCO或者任何跳舞的热闹CLUB.就像朋友说的,我只是喜欢"清club".那种能听live jazz的"清club".这也的确就是我的目的.比如说今天的CD-JAZZ CAFE,昨天的东岸cafe,还有上海的JZ club, 我就是想听到自己喜欢的音乐,和朋友说说话,和偶尔被旁人错觉成美女(真无耻,呵呵).如果能遇到有共同爱好的陌生人搭上两句,也是不错的.

      话说回今夜,那三个都挺可爱有趣的男孩,和我们一起在CD坐到近半夜,有的没的说了一堆,结果我们还是没有和他们一起去clubing.他们的英国口音挺吸引,什么都激烈的讨论一番的精神也很让人佩服,可是那位MORGEN咄咄逼人不停提问的个性也挺让人心烦.也许因为我从来不正面回答他的问题,更是让他穷追不舍的寻找答案.可是他固执,我比他更固执,终于让他觉得挺没趣.其实,我也是迫于无奈,因为我所追求的,和他们的PASSION实在相距甚远,也不容易被同化.最后,他们在三番四次的动员我朋友无效之后,只好照了相有点失望的离开了.

     呵呵,真是莫名其妙的一夜.